Charlie Sheen Appointed Chinese PR Head

The Peoples Bullying Party of China announced today that they have hired Charlie Sheen to handle global public relations.  Mr Sheen will assume control of China’s PR as soon as he can determine what direction he is facing.  From that point it should be no problem for him to find China.
As reported in these pages some weeks ago, China had hired the PR firm, Lohan & Winehouse Unlimited, a celebrity spin management partnership formed by Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.  The nonagenarians who run China from behind closed folding screens acknowledged that their handling of the response to Liu Xiaobo’s recent winning of the Nobel Peace Prize was stupid, clumsy and rotten, so they enlisted professional help.
Fling Dung, of the Peoples Ministry of Farfetched Propaganda, had noted that Lohan and Winehouse possess colorful pasts with a great deal of global PR experience, and have demonstrated how “things that seem very bad can be made to seem very good.”
In a popular Peoples Public Service Announcement that appeared on Beijing Television, Lohan and Winehouse horribly, brutally and accidentally stab a Chinese peasant 49 times.  The narrative, provided by Amy Winehouse, pointed out that the peasant had tried to undermine stability and harmony in China by sitting in the grass holding his pet rabbit.  PR experts said that the edgy commercial reinforced the official party line exhorting “stability and harmony,” but a Chinese army spokesman wondered why the rabbit was not stabbed also.
The Lohan/Winehouse affiliation with China was short-lived, however, when the ladies thought that it would be great fun to hide inside the engine compartment of a Qantas Airline Airbus A380 on their way back from Singapore.
Mr Sheen, who accepted the PR contract with China soon after his violent imbroglio in New York’s Plaza Hotel with a porn star, looks forward to this new challenge.  Ping Pong Bong, a Peoples Bullying Party official and a big fan of “Two and a Half Men” and “Hot Shots! Part Deux”, says that Mr Sheen’s proven ability to get what he wants was the biggest selling factor.
Mr Sheen’s first major hurdle will be to quell European outrage over China’s most recent bungling of the Nobel Peace Prize Affair.  In a heavy-handed, atonal orchestration of whining and harangue, China wants European leaders to boycott the Nobel Prize ceremonies in December.  Chinese agents have dropped shrill protest leaflets on the lawns of those who sit on the Nobel Prize Committee; Norwegian investigators revealed that doggie poopoo was used to weigh down the leaflets as they dropped from the Peoples Helicopter of Harmony.  In addition, China plans to hurl abuse both physical and metaphorical onto anyone named Nobel, anyone who has ever been to Oslo, and anyone with round eyes.
Mr Sheen promises a “great show,” and asks TV viewers around the globe to stay tuned, and promises that we will be “entertained and informed tastefully,” noting that product placements will include Jim Beam, Old Grand-Dad, and Maker’s Mark.


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