Oslo, We Have a Problem

China hit new public relations highs and lows recently. In their paranoid passion to keep anyone from enjoying the Nobel Peace Prize award ceremonies this month, much less the guy who won it, the Peoples Bullying Party has harrassed and harrangued 20 countries into not attending. These countries are hard to spell and not very important, like Kazakhstan, Sudan and Tunisia, but it still shows China’s determination to call the dance.

As a knee-jerk reaction to the prestigious prize ceremonies in Norway, China has with blinding speed created their own competing peace prize ceremony, to be held the day before the one in Oslo. The Confucious Peace Prize is to pay homage to the ancient Chinese philosopher and ping pong partner of Socrates. Confucious is famous for such sayings as: “Always eat fortune cookies BEFORE the meal,” and “It’s bad karma to throw innocent people into jail for espousing democracy,” and “Harrass not those parents who demand justice when their children die in faulty school buildings constructed and inspected by corrupt companies and government officials.”

Taking advantage of an opportunity to kick sand into the face of the world, and China is the globe’s biggest exporter of sandbags, Tan Changliu refered to Europe as “full of small countries that don’t understand peace.” Apparently Tan is the prize pupil of Fling Dung, the head of the Politburo Standing Committee’s propaganda division.

At the same time they are fighting off the brutal, idealic savagery of a Nobel Peace Prize, China is battling incursions on the religious front. The Catholic Church in China is due to elect new senior members of the organization, but the Peoples Bullying Party has instead installed their own puppets, I mean people, into the key posts. The Vatican threatened to send Bishop Thomas Paprocki, just back from his Baltimore refresher course, to exorcise the demons clearly evident in the Communist Party of China.

Members of the Vatican-sanctioned Catholic Church in China were ordered to attend instead a gathering choreographed by the Politburo. Rather than attend, many refused or went into hiding; they were rounded up and forced to appear in what was described as a Communist Party photo-op. Battalions of heavily-armed Chinese police were required to drag away Bishop Feng Xinmao, after a six-hour contretemps held entirely in Latin.

Beijing grows suspicions that Chinese intellectuals and supporters of Liu Xiaobo will attempt to escape government control and make it to Norway for the peace prize ceremonies, any way they can. This intrepid reporter reviewed secret documents made available by WikiLeaks that prove two dozen Chinese nationals paid to stow away on the Falcon 9 rocket that blasted off from Cape Canaveral today. The eighteen men and six women concealed themselves in a cargo compartment made in China, and then shipped to Florida where it was loaded onto the Falcon. The Falcon 9 rocket was built by Space Exploration Technologies Corporation, nicknamed SpaceX. SpaceX is a pioneering American firm that wants to provide cargo and passenger services in space, like the Planet Express Corporation in Futurama. The radar app on my Droid phone will alert me if the Falcon 9 descends towards Northern Europe instead of the Caribbean.

China is furious that dissenters slipped away from its grasp, and vowed retribution by shutting down access to MasterCard, Visa, and Sears credit cards. Fling Dung, his face purple with rage, told western reporters at a hastily arranged press conference that SpaceX was complicitous, and that “falcon” translated into Chinese means “instability” and “disharmony.”

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