Dead Birds Society

This reporter is not the smartest guy around, and because of that you may be tempted to suggest that I have a bird brain. But do not laugh. It is a mistake to not take seriously the brain of a bird.

Recently in Beebe, Arkansas, something happened. Ordinarily in that not-quite-up-and-coming community there is little more than a skinned knee to report, or else someone named Lukey Joe Kuhstupper has added his name to the Darwin Award list.

This time, however, something foreboding, something so very sinister occurred, that even that icy-veined pundit, Zbigniew Brzezinski, the former Harvard professor and national security advisor, might head for a concrete bunker: dead birds fell from the sky. Lots of them.

As usual, I seem to be the only one who knows what’s really going on.

On New Year’s Eve, approximately 5,000 dead, red-winged blackbirds fell on Beebe. As if bird poop falling on you isn’t bad enough, thousands of dead birds fell on terrified Beebians. Access to deeply secret sources, combined with advanced global affairs jigsaw puzzle analysis, allowed me to discover how it happened and who was behind it.

As you may know, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il is a movie fanatic with an enormous collection estimated at over 20,000 titles. He has everything Alfred Hitchcock ever made, and is a particularly devoted fan of “The Birds”.

He also is aware of a recent document [“National Patent Development Strategy (2011-2020)”] published by the Peoples Bullying Party of China, blueprinting their desire to impel greater innovation and creativity for future strategic gain. The paranoid old men who sit on the Central Committee don’t wish to see China’s lower-status role as the world’s low cost manufacturer continue; rather, they want to become known as a ’golden orchard’ of leading product designers and sought after brands, more like a Silicon Valley than a Peoples Industrial Zone #487-C.

Once Jong Il had read the pipedream, I mean government position paper, he decided to put his scientists — mostly kidnapped from developed nations — to work on a new weapon.

Here in the States, biologists were perplexed as to what caused the deaths of thousands of birds, and many theories were propounded, such as the short-circuiting of GPS chips implanted in the birds by DARPA ornithologists; or that the bottles of moonshine affixed to the birds’ necks by University of Arkansas graduate students were too heavy.

One Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agent was suspicious of a large shipment of potato guns sent to a bait shop in Beebe, and thought that the birds had been used as ammo, but in fact it turned out to be a relatively harmless cache of weapons ordered by local gang members.

According to intercepted text messages smuggled out on NSA toilet paper, the North Koreans have developed Project Serene Moonbeam, or as it is known in Pyongyang, the “bird brain death ray.” This powerful, concentrated ray destroys the brains of targeted birds. The ray weapon requires lots of energy, but since the North Koreans have no money and no viable power supplies, and since all the batteries have been eaten by the starving populace, the energy comes from enormous vats of fermenting Kim chi stolen from South Korea.

North Korea, attempting to emulate China in its race to develop niche products and boutique brands, hopes to become the Gucci of ray guns, and to market desirable weapons to discerning customers everywhere.

The dead red-winged blackbirds that fell on Beebe, Arkansas, are testament to a successful demonstration of the bird brain death ray. Clearly, Kim Jong Il plans to attack the civilized world with dead birds.

An earlier experiment in Japan was not so successful. Japanese authorities publicly announced that a recent outbreak of avian flu was to blame for the deaths of various birds around the country. I have discovered, however, that the deaths were instead due to a beta version of North Korea’s weapon. The scientist in charge of the weapon’s test on Japan, Dr Yuk Yuk Flap, miscalculated an adjustment to the main control panel, and instead of killing the targeted birds quickly, the unfortunate birds thought that they were Jerry Lewis. This unexpected identity switch led them to forget that they were flying. The birds dissolved into convulsive laughter, and plummeted to their deaths.

The North Koreans are sure to test this heinous new weapon again soon, on innocent birds around the world.

Prepare yourselves. Buy stock in helmet companies, and watch the skies!

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