Archive for March, 2011

Missing Snake Abducted by Chinese Security Police

March 29, 2011

Here at the Fountain things have been pretty clogged lately, and for that we apologize. However, we feel that the virtual plumbers have ameliorated the situation, and that the intellectual flow will resume. We hope that your reading pleasure will resume, too.

A snake has been reported missing from the Bronx Zoo in New York City. We believe that the snake has not been in hiding at all, as has been suggested, but in fact has been abducted by Chinese security police. Our investigation has revealed that not only does the Egyptian cobra in question hold a Chinese passport, but that the snake was a notorious blogger. Witnesses claim that before the snake was reported missing from the ‘World of Reptiles’ exhibit, they saw it being taken away by four burly Asian men in dark suits and sunglasses.

This overworked and underpaid correspondent has discovered that this cobra is known on the Internet as “Susurrus” and has been blogging on Chinese websites for some time. His writings had attracted the attention of We Bang Yu, the head of the government’s paranoia division. ¬†Susurrus had used taboo terms such as “jasmine”, “revolution”, and “democracy” in recent blog and Twitter posts. Of course, the Peoples Bullying Party pulls its very straight, black hair out by the handful when there is the slightest murmuring of surreptitious¬†dissent among the populace.

The order to defang this recalcitrant reptile must have come from the very top, since Chinese security personnel had been deployed on US soil.

The cobra has been charged by the Chinese government with subverting the state, fomenting instability, causing disharmony, and generally being creepy. Being convicted of any of these offences is punishable by lengthy jail terms, physical abuse, and being turned into boots.

In recent weeks numerous dissenters, bloggers, human rights lawyers and journalists have been harrassed and physically assaulted, pulled off streets, taken from their homes or just gone missing, the result of an accelerated crack-down by the Chinese authorities. Some feel that the Peoples Bullying Party is acutely aware of revolutionary uprisings in various North African and Middle Eastern nations such as Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Yemen and Syria. Leaders in Beijing fear that if they don’t react swiftly and severely, Chinese citizens will find the courage to revolt and attempt to overthrow the authoritarian regime. Above all else, the Peoples Bullying Party fears losing power.

Ha! Just kidding. Actually, the Propaganda Committee feels that if average Chinese people wrestle with poisonous democratic concepts their brains will become clogged, like what happened here at the Fountain recently. If Chinese people don’t worry about freedom, democracy, human rights and censorship they will be happy, and will frolic in fields of daisies all day long.

As for me, I feel sorry for the missing cobra, since he probably doesn’t stand a chance of coming through torture sessions unscathed. I’m pretty rattled.