The Shine’s off of Sheen

This weekend Charlie Sheen showed the world what he is made of at his first rantfest “concert” in Detroit. He claims to possess a mixture of Adonis and warlock DNA, but the truth of that has been torpedoed. It appears that the lab running the blood tests, purportedly not affiliated with BALCO, has made a tiny mistake.

While Sheen did indeed deliver supernatural rants after the initial applause died down, this premature curmudgeon was roundly booed within an hour of the beginning of his “performance.” Many of those who attended, some having traveled far and having payed a whopping $75 per ticket, demanded their money back.

Interesting that the 5,000+ tickets for this first show at Detroit’s Fox Theatre sold out in minutes, nearly the same length of time required for the crowd to start booing the self-proclaimed Martian rock star of “Two and a Half Men.” Sheen’s considerable PR skills were on display when he reminded a heckler that  “I’ve already got your money, dude.” Here at the Fountain we don’t like to abuse our audience, and we hope you don’t have to ask for a refund.

There is considerable disgreement among mental health professionals as to the reasons for Sheen’s crash and burn and burn some more. Some feel that he has had too much sex with his live-in, porn star “goddesses” and that the result of all that violent activity rivals the brain injuries suffered by NFL players. Others believe that his personal trainer is Greg Anderson, the enthusiastic amateur pharmacist who assisted Barry Bonds with his performance supplements. Still others point to Sheen’s contact with the Chinese, when he was hired to assist the Peoples Bullying Party with public relations. They say that while in Beijing, Charlie developed an addiction to powdered baby formula, which had been tainted with melamine, a substance commonly used to make plastic spatulas. On numerous occasions he revealed an inexplicable desire to use his bare hands to scoop up fried eggs right from the pan.

Using a metallurgical metaphor for his deteriorating mental condition, Boeing engineers suggest that Sheen is experiencing the same sort of destructive metal fatigue as seen recently in the fuselage of the 737 on Flight 812 from Phoenix to Sacramento. Passengers had just paid too much for very mediocre food, and so were not in the mood to see a huge hole open up right above their heads, interrupting the screening of “Mars Needs Moms.”

High-level rumors from Washington suggest that negotiations for a complex deal rivalling an inter-league MLB trade is underway. Hollywood agents and United Nations diplomats are looking at a possible three-way geopolitical solution to a unique, multi-organizational problem.

Follow this carefully — you may need a scorecard.

I can reveal here that according to top-secret sources Charlie Sheen is being short-listed to take over the voicing duties for the Aflac duck; Gilbert Gottfried, who had been the Aflac spokes-quacker and had been fired for making over-the-top insensitive Twitter tweets about Japan, will assume control of the government in Libya; and lastly, Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi will leave Tripoli and become the new star of “Two and a Half Men.”

Top US government strategists believe that this new arrangement will satisfy a variety of policy goals: Sheen gets to continue indulging in fowl play and making noise; Gottfried is sent as far away from the US as possible; and CBS and Warner Brothers can get back to generating high ratings and obscene cash flows from an irascible character who loves voluptuous blonde nurses.

Should all these myriad machinations go belly-up, number-crunching gnomes at Lloyds of London have released odds suggesting that the only avenue left for Sheen will be to travel the world conducting assertiveness training seminars.


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