Royal Couple Elopes!

This astonishing news just in: Prince William and Kate Middleton, the overly-publicized couple scheduled for the fairy tale royal wedding this Friday in London, have eloped!

We are pretty sure that the royal family are not amused.

Well-connected sources — and I always have well-connected sources — say that the hounded couple got tired of living in a fishbowl and being subjected to inhumane scrutiny. They agreed that they had had enough, and after a brief discussion at the Bag of Nails, decided to steal away last night. They donned disguises, borrowed a friend’s car, and headed north. Exhausted, they spent the night at the same pub in the Scottish Highlands that was featured in the 1935 Alfred Hitchcock film, “The 39 Steps.”

In that classic movie, one of Hitchcock’s best, an innocent man is chased by both the police and the bad guys. Prince Harry, William’s younger brother by two years, said that William had been identifying lately with the Richard Hannay character, the innocent man. William was tired of being hunted by the relentless paparrazi, representing the bad guys; his family, putting his every move under a royal microscope and expecting him to toe the royally stultifying line, were like the police.

No wonder the young couple cracked.

When informed of the escape, Prince Charles said it reminded him of a “corker” of a polo match he was in once. (At that, the BBC reporter rolled his eyes, and explained that Charles had once been struck on the head with a polo ball.) Camilla Parker-Bowles, his significant other, remarked that she had the highest hopes that Kate had brought along an ample supply of hats.

The Queen, showing a surprising range and depth of humor, said that she loved a good practical joke, and told the story of how Prince William, while still a little tyke, had once replaced the sugar in a 17th century sugar bowl with salt. Summoning up a favor nearly 500 years old, she placed a clandestine call to the Vatican, and had them dispatch a squadron of Swiss Guards to Scotland to find the headstrong couple and bring them back to London.

According to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who claims to prefer salt in his tea over sugar, the Swiss Guard’s outlandishly dated costumes would allow them to move unnoticed thoughout Scotland, where unusual garb is the norm. The Archbishop seemed to be at least partly in control of what is said to be a volcanic temper; he was responsible for orchestrating the official wedding, and would have been front and center during the entire ceremony.

It is well-known that he planned to retire after this most flamboyant feather in his cap, and was going to write a screenplay for a movie about the wedding. Russell Brand — with heavy makeup and a dubbed voice — was to play the role of the Archbishop.

Any gossip about a movie of an extravagantly fabulous royal wedding may be wasted, since rumors misting up from Scotland indicate that the couple is already married. My sources reveal that William and Kate were married by a local priest in the ruins of Urquhart Castle, on the shore of Loch Ness. The only witnesses, required by British law, were lads pulled from a local pub. It is said that Nessie surfaced briefly, and frolicked in the cold waters of the loch during the impromptu wedding ceremony. According to grainy photos I looked at after consuming most of a bottle of single malt scotch, she was grinning.

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