The Death of Osama bin Laden

In a dramatic and heroic example of American and British teamwork, Navy SEAL‘s and British commandos invaded Osama bin Laden’s walled compound near Abbottabad — brazenly located barely a three-wood shot away from Pakistan’s version of West Point — and killed al-Qaeda’s hated and demonic leader.

Originally, the American commando team was thought to be composed of SEAL’s and CIA operatives, but I have a huge surprise to reveal. Two more personnel were added at the last minute, people with very posh accents. On the Friday morning before the late Sunday raid, Prince William and Kate Middleton were married in a fabulous royal wedding in London. (No, I was not invited, either.) On Saturday they headed north to Scotland, to enjoy a quiet honeymoon away from the press on the Queen’s estate at Balmoral Castle.

Everyone knows that Prince William served in the British armed forces, where he trained to fly helicopters and to eat pâté under truly deplorable conditions. What was not previously well-known is that Kate is far more dangerous than her slendor good looks would lead one to believe. She had been instructed in advanced combat skills since childhood by her uncle, a highly decorated British commando famous for his weapons mastery, and for strangling people from 25 feet away.

Kate and William are a dynamic duo (or is it dynastic duo?) for the modern age, a married and heterosexual version of Batman and Robin who will fight against evil wherever they find it. They had been contacted by an old friend, Admiral William McRaven, the highly decorated commander of the Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC), the unit in charge of the attack. Admiral McRaven, who is to Navy SEAL’s what Roger Clemens is to Little League pitchers, once killed twenty men armed only with a golf tee, saving the life of Kate’s uncle.

McRaven had been invited to the royal wedding, and knew that the royal couple, now known officially as Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (along with 20 or 30 other titles), would be bored out of their skulls, and craved a little action. It was McRaven who arranged for secret transport from Scotland to Afghanistan.

A crack shot, it was Kate who fired the fatal shot from her pink custom Walther P99 pistol. Once back on board the helicopter, it was William at the controls who flew them to safety. Eyewitnesses claim that on the return journey, after passing back into Afghani airspace, the royal couple enjoyed a chilled glass of 2006 Ridgeview Estate, a prize-winning British sparkling wine. Word is that they toasted the end of terrorism.

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