Eggs-postulation in China

The Great Firewall has egg on its face, the result of a brazen protest attack against the chief computer strategist behind it. The expostulation took place last Thursday at Wuhan University in Hubei province, during a lecture on Internet security. Fang Binxing, known as “the father of the Great Firewall,” the highly censored Chinese version of the Internet, had eggs and shoes thrown at him.

Mr Fang’s more precise title is President of Beijing University of Posts and Telecommunications, and he is the architect of the vast and sophisticated system of censorship that prevents Chinese citizens from accessing such dangerously subversive Web sites as Facebook and YouTube videos of “Days of Our Lives.”

Little is known of the attacker eggs-ept his Twitter name, @hanunyi. The police have remained tight-lipped, and Fang’s office denied that the incident took place, but there is no doubt that a young man hurled non-fatal eggs and footwear, and that afterwards, a Twitter user named @hanunyi took responsibility for the bombardment. Even though police and security personnel scrambled, they could not capture the shoe soldier, who after the attack tweeted, “The egg missed the target. The first shoe hit the target.”

Apparently Fang is now in the hospital, suffering from a mild case of post-omelet syndrome. Some Chinese netizens said that he got eggs-actly what he deserved, and that he was bacon for it. Many Chinese Internet users, both business and private users, feel that restrictions placed upon their access constitute a form of pun-ishment.

Reports have circulated that prior to the assault, @hanunyi had practiced his egg-throwing in Hubei province, using the Three Gorges Dam as a target. It has been widely published that there are problems with the dam, which is showing cracks and other signs of strain, even though the dam is only 5 years old. (Officially the dam cost in the neighborhood of $23 billion, although some eggs-perts have estimated the cost to be possibly as much as twice that figure.) Chinese police records of cell phone location show that in recent weeks @hanunyi traveled often to the dam, only about 200 miles away from Wuhan.

It is not known how many eggs had been thrown at the dam, but given the Chinese penchant for shoddy construction and corruption in the inspection process, physicists agree that a lot of eggs crashing against the dam could seriously weaken it.

Eggs-haustive laboratory analysis has not been completed yet on the sizable egg deposits, which are clearly visible on NSA photographs of the dam. (I may have mentioned before that having so many relatives in the NSA, CIA and FBI gives me access to a lot of really cool data.) Preliminary reports suggest that the target practice eggs may not have been organic. Some analysts even believe that the practice eggs were the same kind of chemically produced cackle fruit described in an eggs-posé here on corruption in the Chinese food industry. If this is true, it is possible that in addition to the Fang Binxing offensive, a sabotage plot might have been in the works. Since the chemically altered eggs contained paraffin, a flammable hydrocarbon, the perpetrators may have been trying to set the dam on fire. Trust me, I am not trying to make a yolk.

A reasonable response might be that a plan to set fire to a dam is all wet, since the water set free from its damned prison would simply put the fire out. But the water held back by the Three Gorges Dam is so polluted, that I am reminded of the David Bowie song lyrics, about putting out the fire with gasoline.

A biblical-proportion catastrophe such as that might have pleased the rapturers, rabid Christians who were blindly convinced that the world was coming to an end on May 21st.

But back to reality.

Some Chinese pundits eggs-plain that the reason that egg producers have turned to artificial ovoids is a shortage of chickens. Recently Shanghai enacted a one-dog policy, mimicking a four-legged version of China’s one-child policy. The one-dog policy, designed to decrease the dog population, went into effect today, and required owners to register their pets, or hefty fines would be eggs-acted. What did not make the international press is that China also passed a one-chicken policy, limiting both rural and urban households to one chicken.

According to Fling Dung, propaganda chief of the Peoples Bullying Party, if there are fewer eggs, then there will be fewer egg-throwing protests against government officials.

If I may draw my story to a close by offering some eggs-piation, I will point out that China, in a rare eggs-ample of amazing timing, is giving Pakistan 50 jet fighters. It was just three weeks ago that an eggs-treme team of US Navy SEALs flew advanced helicopters as quiet as Swiss wrist watches into Pakistan, and in a daring raid found and killed Osama bin Laden. The international terrorist had been hiding, in plain view, in an upscale neighborhood about a three-wood shot away from a prestigious military academy, Pakistan’s version of West Point.

Why is China giving them jet fighters? To take the edge off their embarrassment from the news that bin Laden had been hiding in a country that had pledged to help find him?  To buy loyalty for a country that is in serious danger of losing same from the US?

At any rate, some military insiders intimate that for Pakistan to engage modern Western jet fighters with the hardware China is providing will be like bringing a knife to a gunfight. As noted in a previous article, some of China’s current inventory of fighter aircraft is, um, better suited to carnival rides. Employing outdated avionics and powered by inbred Russian vacuum cleaners — I mean jet engines — the JF-17’s may soon be seen outside Islamabad converted into roadside food carts and cooking up kebabs.

The raison d’être of any fighter aircraft is the weaponry it brings, and while the jury is out on how lethal and effective those on board the gifted jets will be, industrial spies think the most likely weapon to come out of China’s nest will be the HMPTDMPT-5000, a gun capable of firing a dozen eggs a minute.

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