Must-Haves from the App Store

Here at the Fountain, we are not dead, nor have we dried up. We have simply been overwhelmed by the effort required to move into a new apartment, and to transfer the expanding contents of the storage pod that some six months ago had been filled up with our stuff back in Boston. Och! It reminds me of the ‘I Love Lucy’ episode when Ricky tries to cook rice, and what started as a small pan becomes a white tsunami flooding the kitchen.

It’s been a brutal amount of work emptying out dozens of boxes, and finding places for things and thousands of books. Some important items have not yet turned up; I wish I could find my Merrill boots, which are badly needed to walk around in the snow and slush we have here in Seattle.

We hope that 2012 turns out to be better than 2011 by a huge margin, and to start it off right, we will parade in front of you some clever new smart phone apps available from our app store. Soon we will resume doing what we like best: writing about current events, and trying to both inform and to amuse.


For now, here are some low-cost/high-utility apps you should add to your phone right away:

1. The WangBang, designed for Chinese dissidents. It tells you when you’ll be arrested, what charges you’ll confess to after being tortured, and the province in which your relatives will find your body.

2. The TattooYou, my new smartphone app tracks the people who are watching “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” in their cars, while they are driving.

3. Turn your phone into an air freshener! From my scent store, try “Ocean Breeze” or “Bacon”.

4. My newest app for winter not only displays a roaring fire on your phone, along with crackling sounds, but also puts out 20,000 BTU. (Caution: wear gloves!)

5. At the Detroit auto show, a new phone app is on display. NoGoBoZo detects when a driver is texting in a moving vehicle, then shuts down the car and glues itself to the user’s thumbs.

6. Are you always behind and playing catch-up? My latest app, SimulTasker, uses Bluetooth to secretly disseminate your to-do lists to other phones. People will perform tasks without knowing that they are doing your work for you.

7. My wife has very weird dreams, and I thought it was time to see these fantastic tales for myself. So I created iDream, which downloads dreams into your phone. Haven’t decided yet if they should automatically post onto Facebook.

8. Inspired by TV cooking shows, my newest app, iFlavor, is a must have! Choose flavors from my app store, like ‘Twinkie’ or ‘Bacon Surprise’ and then put your phone in your mouth for a taste explosion!.

9. My nostalgia-driven app, iShovel, shows a blizzard of flakes on your screen, while in the background, hear the haunting sound of snow shovels scraping on pavement. Users can tailor the loudness and frequency of wheezing and grunting noises.

10. My newest free app, iSled, is aimed at fellow Seattleites. Just press the ‘sled’ icon, and your phone will begin to expand, and then turn into either a flexible flyer-type sled, or a snow saucer. (The extra cost version turns your phone into a luge or bobsled.) Just run and jump onto it at the top of an icy hill for a real ethrillride! Don’t forget to shout woo-hoo.


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