Archive for January, 2019

New From the App Store: DiaperSquad

January 27, 2019

Soon we’ll be welcoming the babies born from couples married last June. These young mothers and fathers won’t be ready. With diaper skills. No one is. Here at Uncle JD’s Couple Management Apps, you won’t need to fly the coop, at the first sign of poop. (It’s this delicate mustardy custard, like kitten barf. Smells like hell.) And pee? Holy crap, a little boy can put out a fire across the room. You need DiaperSquad. Just take a new diaper and put it in the special bag, along with the soiled child in the dirty diaper, and your phone. Gently shake the bag and wait for the signal on your other phone.

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Super Bowl LIII Wrap-Up

January 23, 2019

Monday, February 4, 2019

Yesterday’s Super Bowl was historic. The president had exerted the kind of unbridled, extreme and unwarranted pressure we are almost used to seeing, so it was not in any way a typical football game. Using a combination of executive orders, temper tantrums and his stubborn refusal to reopen the government until major concessions were made, Super Bowl LIII was not a contest between the Patriots and the Rams, but instead pitted Republicans against Democrats.

President Trump was the Republican head coach, quarterback, center, offensive line (his favorite) and tight end, all at the same time. Nancy Pelosi was impressive, as were Chuck Schumer and the other white knights, but you can infer that the Democrats lost knowing that the game refs were Matt Whitaker, William Barr, Rudy Giuliani and Steve Bannon. (Jeff Sessions was the Republican players’ water boy.) Trump gave his State of the Union address at halftime, and it was quite the extravaganza. But there was not much that was substantive or new. Or truthful.

The GOP cheer-leading squad featured Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Sanders, Melania, Ivanka, and Ann Coulter. They enthusiastically performed well known Slytherin-style cheer routines aimed at Trump.

The post-game show included an analysis of the game ball used by the Republicans, which was estimated to be about 15% smaller than an official NFL football. When asked what a smaller ball might have meant to the Republicans’ victory, the sports panel members all looked at each other, and in unison, as if in surrender, raised their hands.

 

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The Crack in the Titanic’s Hull

January 18, 2019

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The hands on the clock counting down the time left for POTUS45 began to speed up last night. For nearly two years, nearly every act or tweet by our perpetrator president has sounded the alarm of impeachment, but this is the big one, the iceberg cracking the hull of Trump’s titanically bad presidency. This is the big OOJ, ‘Obstruction of justice’.

Mobsters intimidate or kill witnesses, politicians and mobsters bribe key people to make legal troubles go away. (And we haven’t even gotten to the Russia part yet!) It was OOJ that led to Nixon’s defeat, and it will help lead to Trump’s. His tune will change from “No collusion” to “No collusion, and I didn’t do anything wrong!” He will yell this repeatedly as he looks daggers at his lawyers, who this time will not be able to ‘protect’ him.

I believe Trump is mentally ill, and really believes that he is above the law, impervious to legal punishment; there will be a flood of papers written about Trump’s scale-busting narcissism, and how as he was frog-marched to his prison cell, he screamed profanities to no one in particular, certain of the unfairness.

Go in the Snow with SnowMeGo

January 12, 2019

There are times when I start a post with “there are times when…” and there are times when I don’t. The cold winter weather conditions in our nearly-beloved Washington DC area threaten to unleash the white stuff. For which people are nearly always not ready. Because the inhabitants are cynical. They do not trust winter storm warnings. They scoff. They down their rum drinks sporting tiny umbrellas with scorn. They don’t even slather their wellies with badger fat. So when theĀ white stuff comes they are as cats let out of a bag. Confused and probably more than a little ticked. First thing you do is activate SnowMeGo, the great new snow-driving traction app from Tiny Umbrellas Smartphone Apps. Then duct tape two dozen phones to each tire, using the 97th phone to control them. With SnowMeGo you’ll zip past all those up-country degens stranded in the piles of snow, because this is one of those times.snow_tire-chain_b