Ladies & Gentlemen,
For those of you whose brains are turning to mush, this New York Times article may be troublesome.
It doesn’t worry me, however, because I have the solution. For several days now, my clinical research and development company, Brains-R-Us, has been successfully selling brain stimulus products that have been thoroughly tested by an independent laboratory, BrainTesting-R-Us, which is down the hall and completely separate from my other independent testing laboratories and development companies.
Is your brain sluggish? Do you find that you forget what you are doing, where you are, or if you’re wearing pants? Do you misplace your keys or cell-phone? After breakfast do you put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard? Do you think the Steinbrenners are smart? You need my new anti-brain-rot product, SuperScottishSynapse®. Using revolutionary technology and deeply discounted materials purchased long after their use-by dates, my highly educated, trained and muzzled scientists perfected a new memory treatment, in the form of a pill. This new pill, made from ancient memory-strengthening ingredients in a modern form, is clearly so effective that Scotsmen still remember 1707 — when Scotland was hoovered up by England — as clearly as if it was yesterday, is available for only £39.95 per month, for the rest of your life.
The brain activity-enhancing SuperScottishSynapse® pill is cunningly fashioned from haggis soaked in single malt Scotch whisky. The SuperScottishSynapse® pill is about the size of a golf ball, which is why you need the special Brains-R-Us pill-taking liquid, Dementia Cola®. Dementia Cola®, yours for only £29.95, for as long as you own your brain, is a secret mixture of porridge and single malt Scotch whisky.
Order your memory-enhancing products today, and they will be shipped within 24 hours, subject to credit approval. Everyone gets credit approval.
Order today!
Don’t Forget!
Don’t Forget!
Don’t Forget!
—
all the best,
JD Douglass
President and CEO
Brains-R-Us
“A mind is a terrible thing to lose.”
~a satisfied Brains-R-Us customer
JD's Fountain 
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