The Secret Life of Crumbs

I recently read Neal Stephenson’s “The Diamond Age” about the coming of the nano world, a world in which nanotechnology becomes pervasive. To think small is to think big. Tiny machines constructed on the atomic level, leading to things such as particles smaller than dust that can be inhaled and perform important medical functions, or poisonous destruction; invisible fences and nets to detect intruders and then trap or repel them; and smart clothing that stays dry and clean, adjusting temperature as conditions change, and providing color, camouflage or invisibility as the wearer wishes.

Dark currents of profound social change swirled through my consciousness as I cleaned the kitchen. And then I started to think about crumbs. What are they anyway? And how did they get there?

I don’t think crumbs are as innocent as they would have us believe; just because they are small doesn’t mean they are harmless. Because crumbs live in a world of darkness, I suspect their intent is dark as well.

A friend of mine has an electron microscope, so I sent some crumb samples over to her to examine. Having such a sophisticated lab instrument might seem unusual for some people, but if you knew some of my friends, you’d come to expect the unusual. She’s a bit of a geek, but I always felt that was a good thing. Have you ever considered a life without geeks? No cellphones, TV, computers or the Internet, and I haven’t even taken off my gloves yet. No microwaves, iPods, digital cameras, DVD’s or Red Bull. You heard me. Where do you think Red Bull comes from? I don’t know either, but if there’s organic chemistry involved there will be someone wearing a lab-coat, taped-up glasses and pocket protector at the helm, someone who was better at science in high school than you were.

An important part of crumb strategy -– are they man-made? or alien? or man-made to look alien? -– is to blend in and wait for the right moment, like a jungle sniper. A well-known crumb tactic is to be left behind; that’s how they disseminate. And anything involving “dissemination” will focus on controlling others by outnumbering them. That’s why we have to keep an eye on the Chinese. Do you ever wonder why there are so many of them? I do.

The Chinese government has for decades employed an insidious plot for world domination. They claim to have a “one child” policy. Secret data –- how did I get it? wouldn’t you like to know -– reveals a pattern of clandestine night flights of government aircraft dropping fertility drugs onto rice paddies. At the same time Chinese are given placebo contraceptive pills, which look suspiciously like M&M’s. (The tiny ‘M’ on each piece looks remarkably like the Chinese character for “Peace, Harmony, and NO MORE KIDS FOR YOU!”) I believe the powerful Mars family of Virginia, the people who just bought Wrigley, plan to get the Chinese population addicted to chocolate. Once addicted to chocolate, and only my fiancée seems to be immune, the Chinese will fuel demand for the Mars company’s dominance of the world chocolate market. And if you didn’t know it, the Mars company also owns Uncle Ben’s Rice. You think that’s a coincidence? Perhaps in the future there will be only two food groups: rice and chocolate. Has the Mars family formulated a plot to take over China, even while the Chinese have hopes of taking over the world? It wouldn’t surprise me.

Questionable interrogation techniques were used to glean important intelligence on the upcoming Olympics in Beijing. American agents employed waterboarding with torrents of Red Bull, and compelled captured Chinese operatives to reveal that important world figures will be kidnapped. Once the Olympic stadium, the so-called “Bird’s Nest” is full, the doors will be locked, and the approximately 90,000 people will be trapped. They will then be transferred to a huge underground prison, cunningly disguised as a food court. There, Westerners will be detained, questioned, drugged, and have their wallets emptied. These important but hapless Westerners will all then subsequently disappear, and be put to work in Chinese factories.

CIA satellite photography reveals that the new Terminal 3D of Beijing’s mammoth airport is designed for incoming flights only — clear evidence that tourists who come to Beijing are not expected to leave. Airline industry analysts suggest that the new terminal was modeled after Heathrow’s new Terminal 5, which should have raised considerable suspicion, after tens of thousands of pieces of luggage, and hundreds of passengers, simply vanished in the inaugural days of that airport’s new addition. Even the Queen is missing.

I have to finish cleaning the kitchen now. I haven’t heard back yet from my friend who was looking at crumbs under her electron microscope, but I bet she will find that each tiny crumb has ‘Made in China’ written on it. Be afraid.